OK, so before I dive in, disclaimer: I'm not married to your lady, and no one is 100% the same - so there's no clear-cut, completely-proven method. All this has been "field-tested" with my wife, but doesn't necessarily work 100% for you. So, these are just ideas, which you can take, try, tweak, etc. BUT, I highly recommend #1, hands down - and you'll continue to learn her and her needs and how to best lead her, as I continue to learn Jess's, for as long as you're together!
[Second disclaimer: I use "your lady" here, not in a derogatory or "cruelly-possessive" sense, but because different readers might be married (in which case I would say "your wife") or dating ("your girlfriend")... So don't get angry and accuse me of being a caveman who clubs and thus "owns" a lady. It's just easier to write "your lady" than to distinguish every time.]
OK - with that said, here goes:
- Ask her - I assume you already have, but if you haven't talked with your lady about this, you'd do well to ask her perspective and know directly from her how you can best lead her. About once a month (at least), I ask Jess, totally out of the blue, what I can do to be a better husband, and will usually follow that up by asking her how I can better lead her spiritually. I've grown a ton, in both my "husbandry" and leadership of her, as she is (sometimes brutally!) honest during those times - I wouldn't trade 'em for anything!!
- Pursue God yourself - Again, I know that seems obvious, but I'm continually amazed how my own personal relationship with God impacts Jess - when I'm consistent, it makes her want to be too... not out of guilt of course, but just b/c she sees me being a good example and wants to join me in that. Just as Paul tried to live as an example for others to follow, so must men as we lead our ladies. Pursue holiness, purity, Christ-centeredness, and a God-exalting life; actively battle sin; grow in your understanding of scripture and theology; etc... and it will mean worlds to her.
- Beyond that, I highly encourage you to do books & studies together - BUT, you've got to find the balance (which is different in every relationship) between leading her and "preaching to her" - exegeting 1Timothy to her verse by verse might not be the best, most relational way to lead her! Things we've tried:
- Going through (non-biblical) books together - As we do this, we stop and discuss things as they hit us - sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn't... the hardest part of that is finding a book that engages both of us!
- Going through (biblical) books together - it's helpful to agree on a book (epistles are good; Old Testament narratives are generally interesting, & there's always new stuff to find there b/c the church ignores the Old Testament; of course the Gospels are central; I'd avoid Romans/Revelation until you get some good theology/ hermeneutics!). BUT I highly recommend grabbing a good commentary to read along with whatever book you decide to go through; some are good & some aren't - let me know if you want direction as to some good ones.
- Why a commentary? Because as good and beneficial as it is to do a "here's what it says to me" "well, here's what it says to me" conversation, I've found in 8 years of ministry that it matters less "what it says to me" and much more what God objectively intended to say, whether I read it like that or not! Our TCBCcollege Midweek Groups walked through the Inductive Bible Study process in Fall '07, which is a good starting point for truly understanding what scriptures really mean. Again, I can point you to a good overview of IBS too (and by all means, it's totally cool, and helps you both think, to offer both of your perspectives on passages, as long as you're both willing to put your opinions aside for God's truth) - OK, I'll get off my high horse now.
- Doing "workbooks" together - this has been one of the best things for us. We typically do our Midweek Group study together, because it's just questions (about scripture, about our own lives, about spiritual principles, etc). Jess and I will answer separately, then compare our answers out loud - generally our answers are different, so there's great discussion - it's really fun! You're welcome to jump into our Midweek Group study in the spring if you want; I'll email you the .doc (when I finally finish writing it!), or grab another workbook, etc.
- Grab "question" books - this was great for us while Jess was in Waco & I was in Ft Worth - there's plenty of "100 question..." kind of books at Barnes & Noble; there's even some "pre-engagement" books chock full of questions - not at all trying to push your relationship somewhere it isn't, but some of the questions are really fun!
- Listen to podcasts/watch sermons, etc. together - this is one of our favorite methods - while you guys are apart, this can be a tad like "going to church together" since you watch/hear the same message, and discuss it. I won't be arrogant enough to recommend that you tune into the TCBCcollege podcast, but there's plenty of great preachers that you'd both like - and a few have started posting video sermons, which are great for us since we're visual. We'll either (a) watch together & pause it whenever one of us has a thought or (b) watch the whole thing and talk about it later - we find #a works best for us, but not sure how that would work living apart. Let me know if you want some good preachers to podcast/video.
- Closing, shotgun thoughts - Pray for her, and pray together; ask her how she's struggling; how can you help her sin less; rebuke her when needed (that doesn't sound loving, but it's part of being a leader which most men skip out on sadly); and overall, generally point her to Christ with your words and actions.
